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Cherangsty

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I wish I can do something worth writing. 

Yeah, you don't have to always do what you like. You can learn to like what you do. You can learn to find the joy in what you want to do.

Yeah right, I thought I was that rational. 

Sigh, you just need one small reason for this lie to unravel, isn't it? This whole pretence of "I am okay", "I don't miss you at all".

Deep down in my own heart, I guess I always knew what I wanted. But I let myself be led by my mind and what everyone else say. Who can I blame? 

Certain people call Marketing/Communications people frivolous, all talk no action.

If that's what you really think of us them, so be it. I do miss being one of them.

Let's go. 


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Millennials.

Gen Y. 

The generation that doesn't show loyalty to any company, be it as a consumer or as a employee. 

The generation that wants to be anywhere but here. 

The generation that likes to run away from things instead of facing the problems. 

The generation which treats travelling as the cure to everything.

The generation that doesn't know what they want.



Is it really only Gen Y? Or is it applicable to every generation?

Or is it only applicable to me?

Well, why am I always thinking of the things that could have happened if I chose the alternative.

HAHAHA indeed so many choices. Why didn't I name my blog "rewindmychoices" or "alwaysmaketherightchoices"?

Till the day I find out what I want from this life.
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Let me photograph you in this light
In case it is the last time
That we might be exactly like we were
Before we realized
We were sad of getting old


Another quarter of the year has passed.

How does it feel surviving seven months at a place where I am not learning?
Am I supposed to be proud of myself?
What have I done in these three months?
How have I improved myself?


Inspiration to do things comes from experiencing life. You just need to get out more and try new things, and you just might find something that will inspire you to do something.

Answer on @Quora by Megumi Yamamoto to How do I deal with the fact that at age 26 I have done nothing with my life? https://www.quora.com/How-do-I-deal-with-the-fact-that-at-age-26-I-have-done-nothing-with-my-life/answer/Megumi-Yamamoto-1?srid=6nME&share=62056fbd

To better days ahead.

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I wonder whose idea was it to measure self-value by the number of suitors/roses you ever had. Or was it my misconception? Hmm.

So, during secondary school days, there was Heart Connection Day (what we called Valentine's Day) in school, which the school councillors would go around to deliver roses/flowers/whatever that is appropriate for vday. And I (along with most people, I suppose) thought it was really a sweet (and cool) thing.

Well, at least till recently.

Receiving my first flower (that's not from a friend, oh my quite loser but nvm not the point) had me thinking about this whole flower-gifting norm. What do you do when you receive a flower? Take many photos, Instagram it (to make all the other people envious of you?!) and then... chug it outside. And that poor flower is left to die and soon it will end up in the bin. Oh well. Yeah, weird me, I felt really sad for that poor flower HAHA.

Well, I digressed. So during secondary school days (or maybe even now), you will get to see how all the popular/pretty girls receiving numerous flowers while all you have are chocolates/notes from your friends (not that those aren't important but there's a difference). Does it really not affect your self-esteem? Hmm when you see pretty girls with flowers, won't you associate the number of roses you receive to your own beauty level? Ah. Am I even making any sense HAHA.

Other than measuring self-value by the number of roses you had, I guess people like to measure value by the number of suitors righttttt. I don't really have much to say about that BUT a recent conversation made me so so so disturbed. Do guys measure the value of a girl by how well the girl cooks and cleans?!?!?! Cause she will make a better wife/mother?! Now now, I will be the WORST wife and Mum then.

Hmm being very disturbed till I listened to this song.

You got that 9 to 5 
But, baby, so do I 
So don't be thinking I'll be home and baking apple pies


Career woman ftw HAHA.

And damn it, why are my old photos being removed OH NOOOOOOOOO.
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Dinner at Ichiban + trying to selfie using polaroid/fish eye lens etc.


My 21st. (Okay I'm kidding)

Appetiser which I like hehe. (No I didn't eat all six)


Taking photo against MBS white wall outside a toilet cause everything about MBS is nice. (Kidding) But #ootd shot? Can? HAHA


Always dreamed (still dreaming actually) of swimming in this pool, looking at the skyscrappers (haha, can we even use this word to describe those buildings). Kind of miss the skyline of HK :(


JC classmates. Kind of funny to think of how old we are now. All the talks about school and school, but I guess it's kind of nice to see everyone :)


So after attending two 21st birthday parties, I still have no idea what I want to do on my 21st HAHA. 
It's like having a party is good cause you get to see everyone that makes an impact on your life, but how to not invite certain people without insulting them? And the amount of work (sourcing for food, location, decorations?!). Oh and the money.

And gifts. I think this year I probably should come up with a list of presents I want and get people to adhere it HAHA. I mean it's the thought that counts but isn't it better than you don't waste money and get something that is not very well-liked/useful right? 

Wanted to type out the list now but nah because...

Projects are being a bitch currently. Strat mgmt sucks seriously. I HATE ALL THESE BIG PICTURE THINGS. I can't see anything, I have a myopic mind seriously argh. And the prof sucks big-time (wanted to say suck balls but that's too crude I guess). 

But reading strategic audit and it seems pretty fun. Like the amount of thinking and analysis that goes into it actually makes it seems fun. Love-hate relationship.

Sigh, strategic management WHYYYY. Seriously had the idea of MCing the module but SIGH.

IBE sigh again. I like the project. I am like considering a consulting career (who doesn't like challenges?) but I am not that smart/fast. Talking about fast and smart reminds me of you sighhhhh. 
Isn't EQ equally important? And never knew that I am such a people-person. Oh well. At least, someone have to be the people-person till this project ends right. And I guess there's a thin line between confidence and cockiness. Hmm. And I hate reading people (argh I am not a HR person you know). Why can't people make up their mind and be 100% nice or 100% mean? I can't tell whether you are a normal person or a freaking cocky/arrogant person.

"I look at you (projects & groupmates) and all I feel is tired".

Somehow I am becoming very anal/OCD-ish about projects. Come on, give me your best or don't give me your work at all. 

Good night world hmm.


P.S Saw this in archive, should be more understanding perhaps.

“People aren’t either wicked or noble. They’re like chef’s salads, with good things and bad things chopped and mixed together in a vinaigrette of confusion and conflict.”
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Fish and wedges from Pitchstop. I wanted Salmon and scrambled eggs which is supposedly an all day breakfast meal but they don't offer it during lunch hour. Feeling scammed.

Sea-food pizza :)

The pitchstop gathering took place after a horrible lesson of strategic management. Hate it when I feel like don't learn anything during lessons. Can you make up your mind about the points SIGHHH TSK.


Trying food from M&S cause I saw on Instagram and someone was raving about it.



After knowing each other for like four years, we only ate our first Chinese meal together on that day. I always like double boiled soups hehe, easily pleased please!

Walked around JE, played with selfie stick and caught Lucy which wasn't a good movie to watch just in case you are wondering.
Didn't order a lot but as usual SG's dimsum is so much more expensive. Love the prawn dumpling and liushabao. I want to try the bo luo bun and egg tarts someday! I am missing OneDimSum's chee cheong fun wrapped around dough fritters!


HAHA dessert for fun^^

The lovely company. So jealous of people on exchange now. :(

Gardens by the Bay was so damn crowded but I think the crowd controllers were doing a good job (: Offering people water and drinks, not bad.

Important note, orchid vanilla icecream does not really taste like orchids. But wait, how do orchids taste like?



“I fear oblivion,” he said without a moment’s pause. 
“I fear it like the proverbial blind man who’s afraid of the dark.”

I have always thought the fear of oblivion as absurd but I guess I understand his point of view. I don't want to be ordinary anymore. Everyone's talking about which company they want to join and I don't have much idea what I want. I thought knowing what I don't want was sufficient but I guess not. Tell me, who doesn't want to work for P&G, Unilever etc? They are the biggest marketing related marketing companies. I don't have any fascinating GPA or any stellar record sadly. I really want to do something big as well. Something that people will remember it or be thankful for. 

The idea of being ordinary scares me so much. Like the idea of drifting through life as a typical OL. Hmm. 

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24th Feb- 9th March

Shopping at Kwai Fong and 通达食店 at Yau Ma Tei on 25th Feb, Tuesday


Shopping buddies, together with the chocobanana crepe we shared :) 

Bought a nice, kind of smart casual looking white long sleeve shirt cause the material was super shiok, a black shorts, denim shirt, shoulder bag and spent around S$50 omgggg. Shopping (and food) sucks away all my money omggg :'(

Anyway, the shopping area feel likes Far East hehe. And oh, all the food choices in the top level, I LIKE. Fruit juice! Super miss Avocado juice, can't seem to find it anywhere. And my kiwi soursop! 
And guess what, there's a shop selling 5 scoops of icecream for S$2. Spotted rum&raisin flavour there, must head back there someday!

Wanted to try 伤心酸辣粉 which was near Yau Ma Tei but in the end we spotted the é€šè¾¾é£Ÿåº— outside the MTR exit and decided to give it a try cause there were quite a few locals queuing outside the shop. And the decision proved to be correct :)

Chee Cheong Fun with peanut sauce and sweet sauce ^^ Reminds me of Singapore's chee cheong fun with the sweet sauce!

We had curry fishball and some other mixed noodles which was not bad.

Coffee Alley at Causeway Bay on 3rd March, Monday

Pork loin croissant

Matcha milk

Green tea ice-cream, red bean and waffles

Strawberries, custard and waffles

The serving size at this shop is crazily hugeeee. Please don't make the same mistake as us in order one dish per person :O SUPER BLOATED OMG. Anyway, the matcha milk here is so good!! I didn't really like the strawberries waffle cause I thought the custard tasted weird but everyone else loved it, okaycan. Oh and the place is famous for fruit tea so fans of tea can go and try it too haha.

Cafe hopping burns a hole in everyone's pocket sigh pie :(

Peng Chau on 4th March, Tuesday


Peng Chau is not a very pretty island but it does offer some nice views I guess. Loving HK for the fact that you can always hop a ferry to get away from the hustle and bustle of the city :)

Tried the shrimp toast which was supposed to be famous there which I found it not bad but not fantastic. Oh and I finally tried the legendary Haagen Daz icecream sandwich ^^ And Tai Cheong's bakery egg tarts omnomnom. 

Oh eggtart, you're so fine, you're so fine, you blow my mind. Hey eggtart, hey eggtart.

I feel so lame now hahaha. But this eggtart is pretty good in terms of the egg custard part. Still prefer my eggtarts to have a more buttery crust haha.

Headed to One Dim Sum for dinner where I finally had normal serving sized meals omggg. Can't eat with the guys who make me feel like I am going to burst/puke after each meal hahaha. Anyway really really love One Dim Sum's chicken feet hehe.


Dinner on 7th March, Friday

Homecooked curry chicken ^^ Okay wasn't a great help as usual, only managed to wash vegetables, peel and chop potatoes only haha.

Freaking loads of vegetables but I likeee. Okay the vegetables were supposed to be in the curry but the pot couldn't hold any more vegetables hahaha.

Feelings
Was forced to, or kind of forced to wait for half an hour on Weds for the rest of them. Was slightly angsty, but that was really a blessing in disguise. Been hanging out with people for so long, didn't even have much alone time. Till that 30 minutes. Straightened out my thoughts a little. And then a good HTHT with a close friend straightened out my thoughts even more (is there such a phrase?) 
"It's cool how you are still level-headed and rational"

Another realisation of how I didn't really keep in contact with everyone. It's kind of hard to maintain contact with all my friends hmm. So if I don't message you, please message me still! :/ 

Oh and don't worry if anyone is worrying. Having loads of fun here cause my life consists of eating, running, eating, studying,eating and sleeping hahaha that explains my belly fats wth. Okay anyway it's kind of amazing how all of us already spent like two months together overseas, seeing each other almost every single day. Like wow.
And maybe everyone's just getting used to everyone's company.

Good night and good bye till the next post :) Work is coming in SIGH PIE, no more hanging out at fun places during Tuesday :(
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I do not date much and as a result, both friends and family have accused me of having unreachable standards. One of the arguments that I constantly hear is that every boy deserves at least a chance.
The problem with giving every guy a chance is the false hope that accompanies it. I have always operated under the golden rule of treating others the way I would like to be treated. There have been so many times that I have been on not one, but multiple dates with guys who were ‘just giving me a chance’. I would honestly prefer it if they did not even bother because most of the time, if they are indecisive from the get go, it never changes. I know that there are exceptions to every rule, but in my experience, every time I’ve allowed myself to become remotely involved with a guy who was on the fence about anything, I have found myself disappointed. With that in mind, I also know that if I am even slightly iffy about accepting a date invitation from a guy, most of the time I am definitely not interested enough to be wasting his time and money. I understand that the concept of dating is taking the time to get to know someone, but it’s not fair to string someone along with my uncertainty. I appreciate the same respect from guys because in the end, I don’t want to just be considered an option, and that’s what uncertainties usually end up. Options. Not decisions.
Whenever I use this argument among friends, they like to counter with my standards being too high. I have been told that I am superficial or that I am asking too much or that I watch too many Disney movies and am looking for a handsome prince that doesn’t exist. The bottom line is that I am not looking for some handsome prince to sweep me off my feet. I actually do not have a specific set of standards that I expect a man to conform to. All that I’m looking for is a feeling; I want someone who makes me want to check my phone for texts every two seconds, want to feel butterflies everytime I go out to meet him. I want someone who challenges me, makes me think, makes me question everything and just generally makes me a better person, while hoping that I do the same for him.
I think that ultimately, a feeling is all that anyone is looking for. There are different standards that are set to achieve said feeling, but the desired outcome is usually the same. Some people will date a million guys in search of it; others will sit and wait for the right one, ignoring all others in favor of that perfect fit. Having high standards is no worse a means of searching than the philosophy of giving everyone a chance is. 
Awesome read from: http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/people-tell-me-i-have-high-standards-but-a-feeling-is-all-that-im-looking-for/
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We all have a certain amount of venom in us. We save it up here and there like a very frugal snake, waiting to release it on the targets we deem acceptable. It accumulates throughout our days, with every slight from a rude stranger in the metro or insult from an acquaintance or stab in the back at the office. And there are plenty of people whose love for us is conditional enough that it would not withstand our venom, or it would return our cruelty tenfold in a way that they have already demonstrated they are capable of. We have friends around whom we tiptoe because they only accept a very limited range of our emotions and our needs.
And then we have friends — or family, or lovers — on whom we feel free to unleash the full force of our ugliness when they upset us just enough to trip that one certain wire. They could simply be in the wrong place at the wrong time, or have engaged in that one act that hits our nerves like a raw tooth. In any case, their crimes never fit the punishment of being the one we take for granted, the one we ignore or dismiss or critique when we feel as though the rest of the world would never listen to our righteous anger.

In some ways, it is a compliment. When you are more rude or flippant or hurtful with a very close friend, it is a way of saying to them, “I trust your love enough to know that it will weather the storm of my shitty selfishness.” Of course, it’s an incredibly hurtful way to convey such a pure kind of emotion. Their love acts as a security blanket that so completely surrounds you that you forget what is actually keeping you warm. The fact that you have the kind of love which always finds itself — which laughs harder, which understands every coded message, which has stretched across continents and oceans — is something that should be preserved with care. And yet we test its endurance at every turn.

There are real fights, of course. Real issues which need to be addressed, real hurts that can fester within any relationship and destroy expanses of connection if not addressed at the first sign of gangrene. But there is a certain tenderness and tact that we reserve for the people who care for us less, and a certain callousness we reserve for those who deserve it least.

Sometimes we can almost feel the venom as it drains from our bodies, this feeling that we’re getting out every bit of anger or injustice through the tips of our fingers or the edge of our lips as we frantically type a sarcastic text or make a comment that was as needless as it was designed to passive-aggressively cut. Perhaps we feel that we need to share this venom with the people who love us most because only they are equipped with the antidote, the feeling of being truly loved and understood in spite of your more unflattering angles. We feel cleansed in their pain, and then we hate ourselves for making them suffer at our hand.

Perhaps we should say “I’m sorry.” “I love you.” “You are the only person who really knows me, and who still wants to be my friend even when I am terrible.” “Your love is something that allows the rest of the world and all of its small aggressions to not feel so cold.” Perhaps we should say these things, the next time we are going to ignore their call because, we imagine, they will always be there to answer us later.

From: http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/your-real-love-is-the-one-you-hurt/

This article is so true. How we always lose our temper in front of closer friends and family. OHWELL. Guilty. Okay terrible haze, feeling so horrible, shall sleep soon, nighttt.

Contract's ending next week, new staff coming. Expecting a slack week sooooon. Shall blog about Friday's breakfast when I am free. NIGHTTT. Driving tomorrow again :)
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Sharing words, quotes and some pictures that I likeee. Reading emotional things at night, making myself emotional, okay can haha.


“The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds. And that’s what you’ve given me. That’s what I’d hoped to give you forever.” 
―Nicholas Sparks

“Anyone who falls in love is searching for the missing pieces of themselves. So anyone who’s in love gets sad when they think of their lover. It’s like stepping back inside a room you have fond memories of, one you haven’t seen in a long time.” 
 ―Haruki Murakami

“You think because he doesn’t love you that you are worthless. You think that because he doesn’t want you anymore that he is right — that his judgement and opinion of you are correct. If he throws you out, then you are garbage. You think he belongs to you because you want to belong to him. Don’t. It’s a bad word, ‘belong.’ Especially when you put it with somebody you love. Love shouldn’t be like that. Did you ever see the way the clouds love a mountain? They circle all around it; sometimes you can’t even see the mountain for the clouds. But you know what? You go up top and what do you see? His head. The clouds never cover the head. His head pokes through, beacuse the clouds let him; they don’t wrap him up. They let him keep his head up high, free, with nothing to hide him or bind him. You can’t own a human being. You can’t lose what you don’t own. Suppose you did own him. Could you really love somebody who was absolutely nobody without you? You really want somebody like that? Somebody who falls apart when you walk out the door? You don’t, do you? And neither does he. You’re turning over your whole life to him. Your whole life, girl. And if it means so little to you that you can just give it away, hand it to him, then why should it mean any more to him? He can’t value you more than you value yourself.” 
―Toni Morrison

“People aren’t either wicked or noble. They’re like chef’s salads, with good things and bad things chopped and mixed together in a vinaigrette of confusion and conflict.” 
― Lemony Snicket

From: 
http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/30-quotes-that-will-make-you-rethink-what-love-means/
http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/53-quotes-that-will-make-you-rethink-everything/

“We never get what we want, We never want what we get, We never have what we like, We never like what we have. That’s life.” 





Badly want to travel oh well, good nightttt.



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Life's getting a little too predictable. Wake up 6.45am, reach work close to 9am, start work which consists of filing, sorting, printing, scanning and mailing, lunch at 11.45am till 1pm, leave work at 6pm, go home, eat dinner, watch TV, use laptop etc. Sighhhh.

Been reading ThoughtCatalog everyday during lunch while waiting for my friend to join me since her lunch starts only at 12pm. OHWELL. Here's one of the article which I am sure a lot of people identify with it hahaha.

There’s a strange feeling that sometimes overcomes us when we’re reaching out to someone, this feeling of acute embarrassment. “Are we bothering them?” we ask ourselves, and almost wanting to apologize for even sending a message in the first place. It’s as though our very presence in their lives is a nuisance, and our efforts to connect as friends or lovers is one that only complicates things for them. We want to say, “I’m sorry that I want to talk to you, it’s weird and I should probably stop.” The thing is, you can feel when you’re bothering someone. It’s not difficult to tell when you are the one who is always reaching out, always initiating contact, always starting the conversation. You realize in a way that is at once terribly humiliating and almost masochistically sweet that you are the one chasing after them. When they grant you with their reciprocity, with their attention — nothing feels better. But most times you are left sending a message that you immediately regret, because you know that it only puts one more tallymark in the “you need them, and not the other way around” column.

There are few things more painful than feeling like you’re constantly going out of your way for someone who is, at best, mildly amused by your affection. It’s hard to explain the feeling of disappointment exactly, but it’s mostly directed towards yourself. You can tell when you send them a good-morning text message, or mail them a gift, or take the time to do something for them that you know they’ll barely appreciate — this isn’t going to be reciprocated. This isn’t going to be really appreciated. Hell, it may not even be noticed. But you can’t stop yourself.

It’s just a sad, universal truth that there are people we love a lot who don’t really love us back. Whether platonic or romantic (or even, sadly enough, familial) there are always going to be these uneven relationships in which one person is constantly left feeling as though their emotions and their desires are a mild irritant. There are going to be friends we go out of our way for who never quite acknowledge us in return, who will never be there to listen to our problems, who will never drive out in the middle of the night to pick us up when we’re in trouble — no matter how much we do these things for them. And there are going to be lovers with whom we long to construct an entire relationship, but with whom we will always feel stuck at the frustrating “beginner phase” where no exchanges go beyond the superficial. It just happens.

The most difficult thing, it seems, is being able to admit when your love is going nowhere. Speaking personally, I have watched as more than one friendship proved themselves to be entirely one-sided, when my attempts to connect with the person (even in forums as non-committal as sending a Gchat), were proving increasingly pathetic. I was just way more into them than they were to me, and there is always a certain amount of pain in admitting that. You don’t want to confront this person and tell them, “Hey, look at all of these nice things I do and efforts I make for you, and you don’t do any of these things in return,” because it is a sad thing to do.

It’s sad because the truth is that they don’t owe you their friendship or their love. They don’t owe you the same kind of relationship you desire from them. You can’t insist, through repeated action, that someone is now indebted to you because you have proven that you are worth of something. We make the choice to keep giving our attention and love to someone who has clearly demonstrated that they don’t want it, and it is always their choice to make if they one day decide they want to start reciprocating.

But to break the cycle and force yourself to stop initiating contact, to stop making effort, and to stop caring about their response — that is much harder. That means admitting that you have lost a battle you didn’t even want to acknowledge you were fighting. But when we’re trying to get someone to love us back, it’s always a battle. And it’s one we’re almost always guaranteed to lose.

Okay good nighttt ^^ BEAUTY SLEEP. 
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1. That your body, mind and soul aren’t perfect, but it’s because of this that you’re able to grow and have a journey filled with learning and experiencing miraculousness beyond your imagination.
2. That you have been able to attend school. Without having done so, you wouldn’t even be reading this article right now. How often do we forget where we acquired the skills that allow us to live our everyday lives?
3. For any genuine friends or family you have, whether it’s one person or twenty, because even just finding one person to love, or who loves you, is a miracle in and of itself.
4. If you don’t have to worry where your next meal is coming from. Congratulations, you’re among the most privileged people in the world.
5. That you can access clean water. Because, again, millions of people can’t.
6. And the internet. You literally have a database of most (if not all) of the world’s knowledge right at your fingertips. There’s virtually nothing you can’t learn, research or find.
7. That you’ve known suffering and loss, because…
8. You have learned (or will learn) great things from experiencing hardship. Ask anybody who has been to the depths and back, and…
9. If you have experienced heartbreak, loss or pain, it’s because you had something that meant something to you. What’s that saying, that the opposite of love is indifference? If you have the capability to be upset about something, it means at one point, you had things in your life that mattered (and probably still do).
10. If you’ve never had to know the realities of living in a warzone, slavery, or anything else that so many of our brothers and sisters have to face everyday.
11. And finally, that you have the ability to be grateful for all of these things. Because having a mind and heart that wants to recognize what there is to be grateful for in life is half the battle, so be grateful that you can consider yourself halfway there. TC mark

Extremely true post from http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/the-15-simple-things-we-forget-to-be-grateful-for/
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I know I should be reading up for marketing and biz ops, but this is seriously the best read on Thought Catalog in a while.



In a romantic context, some people can’t be alone. They just can’t. In some minds, it is better to settle than to be alone. And at a certain point, however much I disagree, I understand it. Yes, alone can be wonderful, it has more to offer than people give it credit for. But as wonderful as alone can be, there are very few of us who would say we would want to end up alone; there are very few of us who, when it’s all said and done, wouldn’t try almost anything not to end up alone. But what if you do? What if you end up alone?

People need people. It’s the fortunate and unfortunate truth; moreover, it’s hard for me to believe that anybody really, truly, wants to end up alone. Now there are those who for religious reasons or other reasons, that have made the decision to be alone, and they find it necessary for their commitment to a certain way of life. But for the rest of us, we don’t want to believe that alone could be on the cards, and for many of us it won’t be — because almost anything would be better than ending up in a life where you have no significant other to share your love, your pain, your joy, and your sorrow.

Sometimes I think I could be one of those people who end up alone. And when I have even so much as hinted this to family or friends, their first reaction is to discard it as naivety or the hidden insecurity of a 20-something girl who only knows so much about life, and by so much, they mean very little. And maybe that’s true; maybe they’re right but a history of very few romantic encounters and a personality that is sometimes more guarded and independent than it should be, might point to the possibility that ending up alone is not that far-fetched, at least that’s the way I see it.

Last week when I had lunch with one of my brothers, I flat-out told him, “I am good at being alone.” And as soon as I said it, it became something that didn’t just exist in my thoughts or in hidden metaphors — it was real; I had spoken it and all of a sudden it was real. It is real because I have always believed that not a lot of people can love any of us the way that we deserve to be loved; so I always knew that I would never give my heart away easily. The truth is I know that I am not the easiest person to love. I hold people who purport to love me to the highest standard because I hold myself to the highest standard. While I have learned to be compassionate of the imperfect love that I have to offer and that I might receive, I have also still been aware of the kind of love I deserve, and I don’t want to settle for anything less, ever.

I know I’ve got time or at least that’s what everyone tells me. But sometimes I wonder if we realize that one of the few things we don’t have much of in this life is time. And 20-something can turn to 40-something and to 60-something in the blink of an eye. Life goes by quickly and before you or I know it, we could have spent our entire lives telling ourselves that we have time. So while we are apt to telling people they have all the time in the world to ultimately find someone to love, I beg to differ, we don’t. We shouldn’t rush it but we shouldn’t lie to ourselves either — our days are short and numbered. And some of us, undeniably, will end up alone.

I don’t know what the future holds; none of us do. But every once in a while, the thought that I could end up alone strikes me so rather than push it away, I want to feel it, I want to feel the fear that comes with it so that maybe I can change that fear into something good, maybe even change it to love; some kind of love. I am a believer that you do make the choice to be alone at the end of the day; it may not be a choice you like, but it is a choice. And so I will have no one to hold responsible but myself if I end up alone. But till then, the best thing any of us can do is not to be frightened about a future that we cannot see. What we can do is be the best person we can be, and create a self that we’re happy with because whatever the future holds for any of us — alone or not — we all have to be with that self for the rest of our lives. 
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You’re single because you’re single. It’s not because you texted too much or too little or waited 33 minutes to respond because he took 23. It’s not because you met up with your ex that night at 5 a.m. that no one knows about, or because you kissed another boy after a date with a loser.

You’re not single because you spit food on that date or tripped coming out the the movie theatre. You’re not single because you hurt your first boyfriend really badly when you were 15 or because you have yet, to this day, to apologize. It’s not because you were secretly jealous when your friend got a boyfriend or that a guy you dated for two months now has a really cute girlfriend and looks really happy. And you’re happy for him. But still ill that he found someone before you.

You’re not single because you slept with your ex boyfriend. You’re not single because half the world found out when you didn’t even want to remember it yourself. You’re not single because you think the guy your friend wants to hook you up with is ugly or not tall enough. It’s not because you’re not willing to put up with someone who doesn’t brush their teeth on a regular basis.

You’re not single because your standards are too high. Good for you for having standards. It’s not because you didn’t like that really, really good guy who wanted to take you on a date and you just weren’t feeling it. And it’s not because you like to wear pajama pants as soon as you get home and wash all the makeup off your face. You’re not single because you didn’t learn enough from the past or would rather chill on a Friday night with your blanket and a cold beer than shower, get ready, and go out. You’re not single because something is wrong with you.

You are single because you are single. It’s really as simple as that. You haven’t made the connection with another heart yet. You can get dolled up, dress cute, cut your hair, dye your hair, tweeze your eyebrows, put on lipstick and you may still. be. single. You can go out to a bar hoping to meet the love of your life and not find a damn one in the place attractive. And it’s going to remain that way until it’s time for you to find one. Stop hoping for it. Start living the life that you do have instead of wishing for things that you don’t have. There will come a time you’ll meet a boy and you’ll have to give up some of this single freedom you currently have. Start being more thankful. Start doing that now.

From: http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/why-youre-single/ 

Oh, Happy Valentine's Day.
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I really hate it when I don't do things that I am passionate about. Okay I act like a bimbo without any passion except for eating and shopping but I actually I do have.

I can't teach for nuts and have no idea why I am holding onto this tuition job. Probably just for the money. Why do we all do things for the money only? To be honest I don't even know whether I enter nbs for the money aspect or I really thought I like it or cause I thought it's a safe choice.

But then again I don't think I hate the kids. I just hate how rude some of them are. How spoilt they are. I guess I always hate feeling unappreciated. I am trying in my own way but I guess I am not a kids person oh well.

Oh passion. It sucks so much to not have passion for things you are doing cause you have to force yourself to do it anw. For money for gpa for whatever thing except happiness.

I guess I should really start doing things I like instead of what I think I will do well in.

Maybe someday I will find some part time job at some food place so I will never have to teach tuition.

Oh I should probably accumulate some good karma. Sometimes I look at my friends and I wonder why people befriend me. I feel so bitchy and whiny recently. And so noisy. And bimbo. Should probably change myself. New new year resolution.

Need to stop judging people.
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Thought this made sense. As usual, I am reading thought catalog. Okay scheduled post while I am overseas ^^

Love is not what the movies and hit songs tell us it is.

Love doesn’t hurt. If it hurts it’s something else. Fear. Attachment. Idolatry. Addiction. Possessiveness.

Nobody’s heart aches out of love. In pop culture, love gets conflated with desire all the time. From childhood we learn you can like something, or you can love it, as if it’s only different degrees of the same thing.

Love is all selflessness. It’s the opposite of need and attachment. To an individual it’s a sensation of allowing, rather than seeking. Letting go, rather than grasping.

Love is subtle and silent and delicate, and in its beginnings it can be drowned out easily by attachment, lust and fear. Love must have space, and force is what crowds it out. Love is powerful but it isn’t forceful.

Desire is simple and often reckless. We need to manage it carefully to avoid causing harm. Desire is the intention to change something, to reject what it is in favor of what it could be — something better, more secure, more pleasing. Love is the intention to let that thing be for its own sake.

A lot of us grow up thinking that to love is simply to want very badly. It’s hard to be sensitive to love when you’re overrun by desire. Love isn’t something that can be done badly, if it’s love at all. Desire can happen at the same time as love, but it’s not the same thing.

Jealousy isn’t love, nor is it evidence of love. Jealousy is fear. Love doesn’t drive people mad, it drives them sane. Desire, in its different forms, can drive people to do anything. Love never drives people to kill or steal or cheat or worry.

Love reveals itself when you release your need to have the object of your affection, and see that there’s no reason to make it yours. That it exists at all is enough. To love something is to disappear in its favor — to die to your own interests so that it can be what it is.

In evolutionary time, love is new, and we’re still learning to used to it. It’s a much more sophisticated human capability than desire.

Desire’s been around forever. It’s a high-horsepower engine. It’s loud. It handles poorly. It only goes the way it’s pointing. It needs a sober driver, but it makes you drunk.

Desires are personal. They’re attached to you and they end where you end. They can be no bigger than you.

Love is bigger than you. To love someone is for their happiness to be the same as your own.

And so love is the dissolution of the borders between you and me and them. Those lines are conceptual and imaginary anyway, and love gives you vision clear enough to see the world without them.

Your love can’t be reserved for one person. If you only love one person you probably don’t love anyone. Love isn’t something you can aim. The truer your love is — in other words, the less you have it confused with something else — the more generalized it becomes. To love fully is to love all.
It takes practice to give up “good for me” in the name of “good.” In the grand scale of evolutionary time, human beings are only at the beginning of experimenting with this — working with something bigger and more important than personal desire.

But love is already everywhere, at least in the background. It’s too conspicuous to be marginalized, even among a population largely driven insane by mismanaged desire. We need to learn to navigate our desires better in order to love fully. We’re working on it.

It’s an interesting time to be alive. We’re graduating from a culture of desire-driven lives to one of love-driven lives. The solution to the world’s problems will look more and more obvious as more people begin to understand that and make that transformation. The first step is knowing the difference.

Defining it is impossible. You can throw words at it but never pin it down. Nothing is misidentified more often than love. But for now, we can know what it’s not. If it hurts, it’s not love.

Adapted from: http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/what-love-is-not/

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2013 resolutions:

  1. Stop digressing/procrastinating and finish all work and revision on the day itself (Always on the list but never succeeded)
  2. Thirty sit-ups before sleeping (uni screwed up my resolution, always so tired that I fall asleep once my head hits the pillow)
  3. Run 5km per week. (It's so hard to get the motivation to push yourself further SIAN)
  4. Sleep latest by 12am everyday when there's school the next day (No point staying up so long and getting shitty results anyway. Health and good skin so much more important okay. Maybe.)
  5. Stop dwelling on things that can't be changed. 
  6. Stop playing with phone while doing work (Instagram and food photos are so much more interesting than money that's not yours what. Even tweets from people bitching are 100X better)
  7. Stop caring about what others think.
  8. (Why so many things starting with 'Stop') Start saving more money and spending on clothes or shoes also better than on food. (Ouch, sorry my true love food)
  9. Keep in touch with people
  10. (Ten is a nice number so must die die have ten) Be more patient and not show my anger on my face (HARDEST THING EVER)
Okay I fell sick two days ago. Gastric problems/illness. Reasons why I need a doctor best friend. Or I can compel my brother into being one (LIKE REAL) DAMN GLAD I COULD TURN UP FOR CHALET. Thanks for the surprise and the cake and all the entertainment. Really love you all so much. (haha who actually reads this) AIYAH WHY NO ONE LET ME INSTAGRAM MY CAKEEE. Okay instagram obsessed and I am kidding. 

Results wise er I feel so embarrassed. I really dk what I have been doing my whole life. I think I am just a little away from the higher grade leh. Careless mistakes FML. Okay I over confident. Really expected slightly better results for like certain mods. A bit sad to think I would kind of disappoint certain tutors (maybe they don't care). Anw do you think I would have good karma if I give out flyers with advice about which certain mod certain tutor to avoid?

Anw this is like ultimate omggg http://intoxiquette.livejournal.com/ EVERYTHING IS DAMN CHIOOO.
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About Jane


Jane, 28 years young.

Travelling, coffee, food and flowers make me happy. And I am still in search for my igikai.



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